Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
