"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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