Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
