There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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