I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have aggressive nipples.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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