So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
