Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
