I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize