Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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