i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
