I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
