I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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