So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
