Your face is a jimmy john
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
