Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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