I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize