i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize