I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
