uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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