just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
