did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
