I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
