you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
