I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
