escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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