Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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