I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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