fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
