TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
