I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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