Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
