i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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