Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I looked at my own cervix.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You ruined the universe
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
