i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize