You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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