I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
