....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
