guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
