The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
