I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
