There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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