im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the condom got lost in my hair
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
