You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
