He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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