I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
