saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
