"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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