I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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