Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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