she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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