your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
