I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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