I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
