What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hippo gnu deer
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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