i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
