Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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