so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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