I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize