Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
