I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
